I'm a question queen. Really. If someone ever says to me, "Let me know if you have any questions," I always cringe and resist the urge to correct him/her by turning that if to a when. In many cases, there's nothing wrong with asking questions. For example, before I agree to tackle a new project or assignment, there are several good questions to ask: How much time will this take? What are the expected results? Is there a particular method that works best? And so on and so forth.
However, I frequently get myself into trouble with the number of questions I ask at home. All too often, my first response to Husband walking in the door is a litany of questions.
How are you?
How was your day?
Did you eat your lunch?
Where's your lunch box?
What do you want for dinner?
How did x, y, or z go today?
You get the picture. And maybe you can relate?
I have such good intentions of wanting to show support and be invested in his life, but presenting Husband with a survey upon his arrival home isn't necessarily the best way to do that.
In fact, often my verbal questionnaires are interpreted as overbearing and controlling, which (albeit unintentional) undermines and down right annoys Husband. All too often, I forget to actually consider the type of day he's had. Maybe it was full of meetings, phone calls, planning with his team, or language school. Or maybe it was full of answering questions from his team and his superiors. Either way, my endless question chatter doesn't exactly serve as a "Welcome home, I'm so glad you serve our country" banner.
If my intention truly is to support Husband, then I must ensure that I'm supporting him in ways that are meaningful to him, which my not be my first instinct. My first instinct is often to hold on tighter when there are unknown variables, be they the day-to-day humdrum or more significant details like when the next deployment date will be. I'm learning, though, that holding on tightly is not effective for our marriage. Really, it's quite the opposite. The tighter my grip, the less likely Husband is to open up and share. But, when I can relax and let go, pause my questions and need for information, that's when Husband is able to also relax, and thereby, be more willing to communicate openly.
None of this is easy for me. I like things a certain way--MY way. (Don't we all?!) To help me remember what's important I'm breaking things down into smaller bites. Here are a few that I'm focusing on now:
1. Prioritize my questions. Don't ask them all at once.
2. Give him space. Greet him when he comes home, yes, but don't attack him with a interrogation.
3. Let go. Realize that some of my questions may go unanswered for a bit, or for longer. Be okay with that.
4. Change my perspective. Consider how to support him as he needs to be supported, not just how I think he needs supported.
These are just a few things I'm trying to implement currently. I know there are many more areas to improve; but for now, I'm starting here.
How do you show support for your warrior? What obstacles do you face in the process of showing your support?
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